Jokes, Jokes and more Jokes!

Discussion in 'Off Topic Chat' started by Jeff, Nov 24, 2015.

  1. Jeff

    Jeff Fanatic

    Joined:
    Sep 15, 2015
    Messages:
    674
    Likes Received:
    99
    [​IMG]

    Do you fart in bed ? If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.

    This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husbands habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every mornin...g she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, Honey you were right all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you. What do you mean? asked his wife. Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in.............
     
  2. Jeff

    Jeff Fanatic

    Joined:
    Sep 15, 2015
    Messages:
    674
    Likes Received:
    99
    A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
     
  3. Jeff

    Jeff Fanatic

    Joined:
    Sep 15, 2015
    Messages:
    674
    Likes Received:
    99
    A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are at the OB/GYN. All are pregnant, and they're discussing what they're going to have. "I'm going to have a boy," said the brunette, "because when we conceived I was on bottom". "Well I'm having a girl," said the redhead, "because when we conceived I was on top". The blonde listens for a while, then bursts into tears. "What's wrong dear???" the other two ask with concern. Between sobs she manages to blurt out, "I'M GONNA HAVE PUPPIES!!!"
     
  4. Jeff

    Jeff Fanatic

    Joined:
    Sep 15, 2015
    Messages:
    674
    Likes Received:
    99
    Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.

    Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

    Sunny: "What's that?"

    Tina: "A condom."

    Sunny: "Where'd you get it?"

    Tina: "You can get them at any chemist"

    The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.

    The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

    "Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel."

    The pharmacist fainted.
     
  5. Jeff

    Jeff Fanatic

    Joined:
    Sep 15, 2015
    Messages:
    674
    Likes Received:
    99
    Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
     
  6. Jeff

    Jeff Fanatic

    Joined:
    Sep 15, 2015
    Messages:
    674
    Likes Received:
    99
    [​IMG]
     
  7. Jeff

    Jeff Fanatic

    Joined:
    Sep 15, 2015
    Messages:
    674
    Likes Received:
    99
    IF YOU CAN READ THIS, I CAN SLAM ON MY BRAKES AND SUE YOU.
    ~ bumper sticker ~
     
  8. Jeff

    Jeff Fanatic

    Joined:
    Sep 15, 2015
    Messages:
    674
    Likes Received:
    99
    Becky was 73 and just got her first computer. After her son spent over 2 hours teaching her how to use it, she was sure she knew everything there was to know about computers. Unfortunately though, one day she couldn’t get it to start so she promptly called an IT guy to come over and take a look at it.

    The IT guy managed to fix the issue in a few minutes and was on his way. Becky was proud when she overheard the IT guy on the phone with his boss telling him about the issue, she was sure it meant it was a serious issue and she was sure she took care of it the right way.

    “Excuse me if you don’t mind me asking,” asked Becky to the man on his way out. “I couldn’t help overhearing you on the phone with your boss. What exactly is an Id ten T problem? Just so I can tell my son.”

    The man smiled, took out a pen, “it stands for this: I-D -1-0-T”.
     
  9. Jeff

    Jeff Fanatic

    Joined:
    Sep 15, 2015
    Messages:
    674
    Likes Received:
    99
    Sam goes to the doctor for his yearly checkup. “Everything is fine”, said the doctor, “You’re doing OK for your age.” “For my age?” questioned Sam, “I’m only 75, do you think I’ll make it to 80? “Well” said the doctor, “do you drink or smoke?” “No” Sam replied. “Do you eat fatty meat or sweets?” “No” said Sam “I am very careful about what I eat.” “How about your activities? Do you engage in thrilling behaviors like speeding or skiing? “No” said Sam taken aback, “I would never engage in dangerous activities.” “Well,” said the doctor, “then why in the world would you want to live to be 80?
     
  10. Jeff

    Jeff Fanatic

    Joined:
    Sep 15, 2015
    Messages:
    674
    Likes Received:
    99
  11. Jeff

    Jeff Fanatic

    Joined:
    Sep 15, 2015
    Messages:
    674
    Likes Received:
    99
    [​IMG]
     
    Just Me likes this.
  12. Just Me

    Just Me Motivated

    Joined:
    Nov 27, 2015
    Messages:
    139
    Likes Received:
    81
    Not a joke, but...


    [​IMG]
     
    Jeff likes this.
  13. zephyr

    zephyr Administrator
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Aug 4, 2015
    Messages:
    154
    Likes Received:
    52
    Danmeme.jpg
     
    Jeff likes this.
  14. Jeff

    Jeff Fanatic

    Joined:
    Sep 15, 2015
    Messages:
    674
    Likes Received:
    99
    Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans, and shortly after, that they got married.

    It was his birthday a few months later and, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

    His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

    While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue-ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and, a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

    While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard his wife saying goodbye (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

    Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
     
    Just Me likes this.
  15. Just Me

    Just Me Motivated

    Joined:
    Nov 27, 2015
    Messages:
    139
    Likes Received:
    81
    A review for sugar free Haribos from Amazon. I'm sorry it's so long, but it's well worth a read! (There are many more similar reviews here - http://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Sugar-Free-Gummy-Bears/product-reviews/B008JELLCA)

    I'm pretty sure Andrea (I'll call her) agreed to have dinner at my apartment only because I always spoke to her using nothing but my two-years-of-high-school German. Her English was perfect. Probably better than mine. But the fact that I could only ask her directions to the Autobahn or inquire about the health of her non-existent Tante Amelia, seemed to make me appealing to her in a sweet and non-threatening way.
    My intentions, however, were considerably less child-like. Which is why the shopping that night was done at one of those upscale groceries with an international flair. Moules Marinieres is as much of a panty-peeler as anything I can cook, and isn't that hard to pull off. But still, I was busy tracking the recipe in my head when I found myself in the sweets aisle. And that, to my great chagrin, is why I didn't immediately notice the difference between Haribo Normal Gummi Bears (which are designed for human enjoyment) and Haribo Sugarless Gummi Bears (which are designed for use in maximum security prisons as a way to punish uncooperative inmates).
    I shan't make that mistake again. (notice you can't spell SHAN'T without SHAT.)
    Prior to Andrea's arrival, I sat in my living room, creating a playlist of make-out music and nervously binging on the Gummi Bears I had placed in a decorative bowl because I am fancy.
    The doorbell rang, and within minutes we were standing in the kitchen, drinking beers and both of us probably worrying that we were about to exhaust my ability to communicate in her native tongue. But soon that would be the least of my worries. In the middle of trying to ask Andrea if she likes to dance to young people's music, I felt a flutter in my midsection, accompanied by a guttural pronouncement so loud it threatened to drown out my own voice.
    Maybe it was because I was mentally refreshing my language lessons, but it suddenly struck me how much pre-diarrheal grumblings sound like German words.
    "ENTSCHULDIGUNG!" was the next thing uttered by my rapidly clenching stomach. Appropriately, Andrea looked up in response.
    "Sind Sie Kaffee machen?" she asked.
    Am I making coffee?
    I thought I must have mistranslated her at first, then finally I realized that yes, the loud, ominous gurgling coming from my gut could easily be mistaken for the percolating of some bachelor's crappy coffeemaker.
    It's remarkable how quickly one knows that one is about to have a traumatic pottymaking experience. Maybe that's the body's way of buying you the precious seconds you need. I was already calculating the number of steps to the bathroom, speculating on whether I would have time to lift the lid to the toilet, when my own voice cried out loudly in my head.
    She's going to hear EVERYTHING!
    Thanks to an acoustical idiosyncrasy in my building, the hallway outside the bathroom works as an amplifier pointed straight at my living room-slash-kitchen. So that somehow even the gentlest tinkle sounds like I'm pouring lemonade out of a bucket.
    With only half an idea of what I was doing, I grabbed Andrea's hand and pulled her roughly down onto my sofa. I must have looked like a madman as I booted up my iTunes playlist, plugged in the gigantic new headphones I had just bought to keep me looking young and hip, and clamped them down over her ears. (the sweat forming on my brow and upper lip couldn't have helped.) In response to her nervous expression, I kept shouting "You'll love this! You'll love this!"
    I spun her around so that she was looking out the window. My "plan" was that she'd be so distracted by the modest 4th floor view, that it would allow me to pull my pants off while I sprinted down the hall, silently singing the praises of the noise-reducing quality of my new headphones. (this story will be reprinted in its entirety as a 5 star review on the Sony Beats Audio Amazon page.)
    As I slammed the bathroom door shut, already half naked, it occurred to me that I had not been shouting "You'll love this!" at Andrea. I don't even know how to say that in German. In my desperation I had been saying "Ich Leibe Dich!" Repeatedly professing my love for her in a shaky and frantic voice. But maybe that was a good thing, because as I threw myself at the toilet, I figured the best I could hope for is that she would be so creeped-out that she would sneak out of the apartment, blissfully unaware of the carnage taking place in the next room.
    What can I say about the ensuing white-knuckle bowel movement that hasn't been expressed in other reviews on this page? I'm pretty sure I haven't seen the adjective "Kafkaesque" used anywhere else.
    By the end of Act One of this private little torture-porn movie, I was confessing to every unsolved crime in history. Praying I would stumble upon the one that would satisfy my invisible captors.
    Quickly I realized that I had more than Andrea's sense of sound to worry about. Were she to get even the faintest whiff of the weapons-grade sluice that my anus was angrily shouting into the porcelain, I would have to change my name and move to another city.
    And so I flushed. And flushed. And flushed and flushed.
    And then I flushed and nothing happened.
    I have never looked down into a broken toilet with more horror in my entire life. And I once stopped up George Clooney's crapper! (a true story for another time.)
    I reached for the plunger, but my hand froze and my heart seized when I saw it on the floor, broken in two and covered in what looked like teeth marks. Apparently I had used the wooden handle to keep from biting my tongue off and had chewed clean through it. When did that happen? It seems my mind had already started the process of repressing this entire event.
    Amid the feverish, fruitless dance I did across my tiny bathroom floor, it dawned on me that it had been more than a minute since my last soul-wrenching anal tantrum. Dear Lord, is it over? I asked, quite possibly aloud.
    I may have been light-headed and delusional, but I began to imagine a non-ignominious resolution to this ordeal. I just needed to get her the hell out of here. If Andrea hadn't fled the building, vomiting in terror, then I supposed I could pull up my trousers and make a cavalier exit. As long as I could get her off premises and as far away from this post-apocalyptic commode as humanly possible. Assuming that the Diarrhistas had retreated to the hills temporarily, maybe I could even whisk Andrea away to a candlelight dinner at Bernardo's. How impulsive!
    My first few steps back toward the living room were tentative. And not just because my sphincter felt raw and tattered. It was a slow approach to the Moment of Truth, especially when I saw her figure still planted on my sofa. I knew any look on Andrea's face other than her mouth agape would constitute a miraculous victory. And when she smiled at me, the wash of relief that engulfed me was more glorious than any throes of ecstasy I might have wished for at the beginning of the night.
    And then I saw it.
    The decorative bowl sitting in her lap. Down to just the last few sugarless Gummi bears.
    "Du hast Haribo!" she said to me. Accompanied by a satisfied smile. A big, beaming Hansel and Gretel smile, that slightly turned down in one corner at the sound we both suddenly heard. A low rumble from deep within her GI tract that sounded like Gefahrrrrr.
    The German word for Danger.
    Her eyes shot past mine and refocused on the bathroom door just down the hall behind me.
     
  16. Jeff

    Jeff Fanatic

    Joined:
    Sep 15, 2015
    Messages:
    674
    Likes Received:
    99
    1. Escalators don’t break down… they just turn into stairs
    2. “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing… except when you’re at a funeral.
    3. I intend to live forever… or die trying.
    4. We never knew he was a drunk… until he showed up to work sober.
    5. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
    6. A blind man walks into a bar….And a table, and a chair.
    7. At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?
    8. Want to hear a pizza joke…. nah, it’s too cheesy. What about a construction joke? Oh never mind, I’m still working on that one. Did you hear the one about the rope? Skip it. Have you heard the one about the guy in the wheelchair? Never mind, it’s too lame.
    9. I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.
    10. I childproofed the house… but they still get in!
     
  17. Jeff

    Jeff Fanatic

    Joined:
    Sep 15, 2015
    Messages:
    674
    Likes Received:
    99
    Older Guys Aren't So Dumb

    An older, white haired man walked into a Jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

    The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

    At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000." the jeweler said.

    The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

    The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

    The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

    Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

    "I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend....."
     
  18. Jeff

    Jeff Fanatic

    Joined:
    Sep 15, 2015
    Messages:
    674
    Likes Received:
    99
    FEDERAL AGENCIES

    Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Alan Pinkerton - for protection. And that was the beginning of the Secret Service. Since that time, federal police authority has grown in depth, scope, and to a large number of multi-letter agencies - CID, OSI, NIS, FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc. Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service."

    Can't you see them now, these highly trained men and women in their black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs:

    "FATASS" - I feel safer already, don't you?
     
  19. Just Me

    Just Me Motivated

    Joined:
    Nov 27, 2015
    Messages:
    139
    Likes Received:
    81
  20. Jeff

    Jeff Fanatic

    Joined:
    Sep 15, 2015
    Messages:
    674
    Likes Received:
    99
    A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

    "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

    "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

    The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

    "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

    "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
     

Share This Page